I think I can safely say that I’m the queen of scars and wounds, in my own right, at least. I’ve been “collecting” wounds and scars since I was just a little girl. I was born with flat feet. This is my gift, my curse. Sound familiar? Hehe. My friends say I have pretty feet because they’re flat. But I’d give up the aesthetics just to be “normal” for once.
When I was little, I would fall down, A LOT, because of my feet. I remember those times when I would be running away from whoever was IT when we were playing tag, thinking that I may as well stumble, because I’m bound to do so anyway. And so I would fall, each and every time. That’s why I preferred playing chinese or jackstones or even monopoly instead of playing tag or any other game that involved running of any kind. I grew up with that mindset, thinking that I’ll always be clumsy. And of course, I have always been, until the present. I guess I never outgrew the curse of my flat feet. Now it’s the curse of my restless feet or hands or even hair? :P
Seriously though, I remain accident prone even as I type these words. That is how I accumulated a whole lot of wounds… and scars. But my clumsy nature doesn’t end with the physical aspect. I am also clumsy in every which way—words, deeds, and what-have-yous. It would’ve been fine if my carelessness had very little effect on other people’s lives. Sadly, that is not the way of the world. Like I’ve said before, everything we do has a ripple effect, touching the lives of even the most unlikely individuals.
I know my intro is a bit out there, but I wanted to highlight my penchant for collecting scars, because the past couple of weeks, I’ve had an unusually high number of wounds, most of them minor but one of them happened to be the one I’ve been dreading all my life—the reopening of an old scar. Most of my friends at the office witnessed how a nail on the wall tore open my old scar from a carpal tunnel operation done years ago, and how it bled like crazy, and how my fear was firmly etched on my face, though I desperately tried to hide it. You see, this has always been a gnawing fear of mine, that once an old scar is reopened, it will take forever to heal or it won’t heal properly at all. Fingers crossed on this unfortunate incident; hoping that this wound will heal before the New Year starts, God willing, of course.
This is also my never-ending fear… that emotional scars would be reopened and they might never heal again, until I bleed myself dry. I was afraid of digging too deep, or opening myself up to anyone, for fear that old wounds would be left gaping wide open, and no one would be able to stitch them back once more. And so for many years, I kept myself closely guarded, walls built so high up that no one can penetrate the façade, defenses so tight that even the sneakiest person could never infiltrate. Little did I know that it was the worst mistake I could’ve ever made—that by bottling my own emotions and staying behind my impenetrable fortress, my own instinct for self-preservation would backfire and I would be left defenseless, like a deer caught in the headlights.
Allow me to explain. You see, I’ve been hurt… A LOT! But it wasn’t the kind of hurt that would warrant the kind of reaction that I had. In fact, compared to most of the world’s ills, it was just a simple scratch, nothing that the proverbial betadine and band-aid would cure. This was way before I lost my mama and grandpa. Mostly, it was just something that took me almost forever to get over. It just so happened that there was quite a number of “somethings” in my life. And each time it occurred, I would inch deeper and deeper into my shell. Until such time that my shell became my permanent home. I refused to show the real me to the people I meet, even the ones I love who care for me (family and friends included). Yes, I would show glimpses sometimes, but most of the time, what I show is a hologram, an empty shell of who I really was.
I realize now that my life was sad because I would not allow it to be otherwise… that I was lonely because I hid and kept everyone at bay… that I was empty because I wouldn’t allow others to fill me with their goodness and love. I was too scared to love and be loved, that even the ones closest to me would almost give up sometimes, thinking that I was beyond reach.
Yes, I was too caught up worrying about my emotional state, that I overlooked the most important aspect of my life here on earth—my spiritual health and well-being. It took me almost 14 years to realize that I was hollow for a reason. Because I refused to open myself up not only to the people around me but most of all to the Lord. I kept everyone at bay, including God, for so long that it became a natural part of my life. But as I plodded along from day to day, I felt this emptiness, this ache that nothing or no one can fill.
The ache intensified to a searing pain when I lost my Papa (grandpa) and Mama, all in the span of three months. I literally wanted to just curl up and die. And that feeling went on for years… until finally, everything I felt, all the pent up emotions, the rage, the grief, the helplessness and hopelessness, burst forth like a dam. And the effect wasn’t just a ripple, it was a tidal wave of sorts, particularly to some of the people I dealt with at the time.
It was like everything shut down for me—physically, emotionally, mentally, and yes, even spiritually. The anguish that I felt was just too much to bear. I lashed out like a wounded animal against anyone who crossed my warpath. Even the poor call center agents for a certain telecommunications company had fallen prey to my wrath. I was beyond reasoning. Heck, I couldn’t even understand what I was going through, let alone care. That period was more than a storm, it was a hurricane! Friendships were torn apart and ties were severed, nothing could stand in the way of Hurricane Kristina.
But, like in every storm, the dark clouds parted and I stood in the clearing bewildered yet surrounded by amazing people who showed me nothing but love, patience, understanding and support. They showed me the way without even meaning to. They gave me strength when I was at my weakest. And that was when I realized that Someone Else was at work here. Someone whose powers far surpass any of the heroes I know... someone who was patiently waiting for me to hear His wake up call, and return to His loving embrace. (Darn! I promised myself I wasn’t gonna cry. Oh well, like I said, writing has always been therapeutic for me. The show must go on, Riri always says.)
Life has always been a struggle; I guess it always will be. But knowing that you are not alone, that His presence will always be felt, if we just try not to numb ourselves from feeling anything, ah, that makes it all worthwhile. To this day I will never understand or pinpoint exactly how or when this reawakening happened. But it did, and I will forever be grateful. I’m sure the road won’t always be smooth, and I’m positive I will stumble many times along the way, but knowing that there is HOPE and there always WILL BE, that is the best anyone could ever hope for.
I never realized how blessed we truly are, even if we never gain riches or fame or power. Just the simple knowledge that we matter, that we are important enough, that we are worth the ultimate sacrifice—our Savior’s life—to free us from the bondage of sin and give us everlasting life.
John 3:16 teaches us: "For God so loved the world, He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life."
I am no expert, nor do I claim to be. I am a struggling neophyte, starting over from scratch, trying to make sense of it all. But one thing I do know is that WE ARE ALL LOVED, AND WE ARE CAPABLE OF ENDLESS LOVE. Now I understand what people who claim to have undergone healing are talking about. I know it’s a bit premature to say this because I still have a long way to go before I can even call myself a “good Christian” but I’m gonna say it anyway… Life is wonderful, not only when we allow it to be, but when we live it as such. So yeah, learning from our mistakes is good, but learning to walk the path to salvation is much more rewarding.
I have to be candid though, it’s terribly difficult to stay the course. Sometimes it’s easier to go back to my old ways and lash out when I’m feeling down or when I’m in pain. Sometimes it just feels better to wallow in self-pity and not get up. It’s still a struggle. But the thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that I’m not just supposed to go my own way with no care for the others who are walking the path with me. It’s a worldwide coop, imho, and we’re supposed to be each other’s buddy. That’s why my plans don’t just involve me or my loved ones nowadays, I’m starting to look at the bigger picture once more, something I used to do way back when I was young and idealistic.
Sure, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride, but I’m resolved to be in it for the long haul. I guess all I’m really asking from my family and friends right now is to please keep me focused, keep me steady, and gently remind me what our struggle is for. That’s all I ever hope for. So as the end of 2007 draws near and we usher in a new year, may we all stop and think about what we’ve accomplished not just for ourselves this year but mostly for others like us who are part of the greater struggle and journey. (Actually, I prefer to describe it as an adventure, a very exciting one to boot!)
I guess things just have a way of falling into place once we welcome, accept and embrace His plan for us. It’s true what they say, giving yourself up is the best way to gain all your heart’s desires, even those you never dreamed would be possible. Now if I could just learn to apply this to relationships, my family would stop bugging me about settling down. :P Hey, baby steps, right?
See y’all next year! Remember, live, love, learn & write… in no particular order. Hugs and Kisses from Mimi! ;)
Milo Ventimiglia Admits to Hayden Panettiere Romance
Last night's 
