Kutaw Milo vs. Kutaw Ulo

Ok. If there’s one thing I learned over the past few months, it’s this—be careful what you say or do, and who you share it with because you never know how they might take it. For all you know, they might not even be that interested in what you have to say… or do. This is a gentle but not so subtle reminder that I’m sending out to myself. In case I fail to internalize the message, feel free to point out the obvious to me. Promise I won’t bite your head off. I’ve already bitten off more than I could chew anyway. Hehe.

Here’s the thing, divulging too much information tends to boomerang at me. Somehow the things I do, say or write come back to haunt me. So, as I was reminded during the past few weeks, nay, months, it’s best to keep your private thoughts private, no matter how much you’re itching to share it with someone or everyone, in my case.

The thing is, I miss sharing my daily entries to my future “might-always-remain-unpublished” novel with the world but if experience has taught me anything, it’s never to trust anyone completely, no matter how good they are to you now. Most people tend to let you down. I’m not being jaded, it’s human nature. We just can’t help it.

So my current practice is: share selected portions with different people and try to keep the innermost thoughts within my innermost circle—meaning, my PC, myself and Him. Who knows, reading this after a few months have passed by might help me too. Kinda like my “big mouth” blog entry last year. Lessons learned need to be documented so I’ve got something to look back on.

This practice has worked wonders for my psyche. The past few weeks, I’ve noticed that I spend less time obsessing about what I should or shouldn’t have said. I’m not saying that I’ve stopped doing that. My big mouth and restless hands just won’t allow me that respite. I still spend hours per month worrying about what I said or wrote. But, as my favorite expression goes, EVS! Hey, at least it’s dwindling to hours per month instead of days, as it used to be at the beginning. Because with each “oops moment” I make, a command is automatically stored in my head to avoid the same scenario in the future. Hey, I’m not perfect, but I’m trying to follow the best example around, if you know Who I mean.

I was about to commit the same mistake again tonight, simply because I’m brimming with joy right now and can hardly hold it in. But something stopped me. Someone said I should wait, think it through and consider the consequence when morning comes.

See, that’s the hard part. I’ve always been comfortable putting my thoughts and feelings into words but somewhere between 1998 and 2007, I lost my favorite outlet. I simply could not write about anything other than what I was required to submit for work. Of course, I’m not gonna blame this on someone else. Not even the Charness in my other life. This was all me.

But ever since the words started pouring in, I couldn’t help but share everything with the world. That was my undoing. People’s reactions only got me more confused than I was initially, and that didn’t help at all.

That’s exactly why I hate playing games, in most aspects of life. Games people play just muddle my head and confuse me. I feel like I’m being manipulated and it irks me to no end. Same reason why I tend to say what comes to mind. Some people call it being tactless, but I’d like to think of it as candor. I know that sometimes it’s unhealthy cuz being impulsive only leads to trouble. But over-thinking also leads to trouble. So I guess it all boils down to balance ei?

See, the thing is, when we say the first thing that pops into our head, it tends to be the most honest answer around. I learned that while I was in school, answering multiple choice questions. Picking my first choice has helped me get the best scores in my exams; same thing with my first public speaking award. Words spoken from the heart are so much easier to articulate than thoughts processed in our head. I experienced that firsthand today. No other details needed.

Guess I’ve been applying the same theory in my sharing method, huh? Problem is, when people start playing games, I’m compelled to retaliate, simply because I’m very competitive, in life and, as I discovered recently, even when it comes to the dreaded L-word. Love oi, not the naughty stuff. I just don’t want anyone to get the upper hand. That’s one of the reasons why Obedience is kinda hard for me to internalize. But that’s a series of journal entries that I’m not yet ready and willing to share.

I’m still hung up on the games adults play though. Why can’t some people just come right out and say what they really mean, instead of sending weird vibes, messages and signals that might take a lifetime to decode? If you must know, this only muddles other people’s head, like me, for instance. Kutaw ang show. May unta milo, ulo pa jud! Way lame, in  English, lame. Picked that meaning up somewhere.

I mean, c’mon, is it really that hard to tell someone you like/don’t like what they’re saying or doing? Oh puhleez! I know I’m probably guilty of the same thing sometimes but like I said, I’m mostly reacting. Pls forgive me for those times that may appear like I’m playing games on purpose. Nasobraan ra cguro kiat kiat. If this is tennis we’re playing, the ball’s no longer in my court, honey(s). :P

And so, instead of posting what really happened over the past few weeks, I’m gonna stick to my initial plan for now. The unveiling of my feathers, er, novel can wait. After all, even if other people might not be that interested, I know Someone who is; the best part is, he’s on call 24/7 with no strings attached and no need to second guess myself. Plus, He will never keep you up at night going over the things He’s doing. Somehow everything He sends my way is so easy to absorb, if only I would focus on His message and stop letting mere mortals waylay me, affecting my every move. Hey, having Him around is the best deal I’ve had in years. He’s available for you too, if you’re interested.

So there, sorry if this post is kinda ambiguous. I’m done sharing every little detail for now. I bet most of you will breathe a sigh of relief, huh? Peace.

No, this isn’t my swan song, I’ll still be posting random thoughts, music, videos and other stuff that strike my fancy or hit that oh-so-annoying chord in my heart. C# man cguro na nga chord. Hehe. EVS!

The dark side is sooo last millennium! See you at the bright side instead?

GB,

M