Ciao! I am enchanted to make your acquaintance. I wish I could call myself an artist and mean it but I'm still in the process of learning how to be more creative and put these hands to good use. I know this for certain though, I love music and I love writing. My first loves. Those are the two things that I am passionate about and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I enjoy singing and blogging, I'd love to learn how to play the piano or the guitar. I used to play both but it feels like a lifetime ago now so it doesn't count. I love politics. I thought I left that when I left the women's group where I used to serve but yeah, I love a heated debate as much as any Pol Sci student does.
I love creative writing. I love writing essays. I'd love to write love poems but I can't. That's something I'm hoping to learn one day soon. I am hoping to write a story for my Saviour and His Blessed Virgin Mother but right now I feel like they both deserve so much more than what I have to offer. It's a soul dream. I want to write love songs for Jesus and Mama Mary but right now I am pacing myself. My song, when it comes, will never be perfect but I know for certain that if I just push through and persevere, I'll get past all my doubts and insecurities and finally get that song ready. For Her feast day maybe? Or His feast day? I will ask no questions this time. This period is a time for learning for me. For rest and restoration. For meditation and growth. Who knows? I'm not setting a deadline anymore. Nor am I rushing. God is working in me and through me and whatever happens, I know for certain that He will never leave me.
I love life. I am a dreamer. I am also an avid fan of walking and communing with nature. I am also a runner. My Nike shoes, battered and worn as they are, are ready. My pedometer, weak battery and all, is ready. I guess only my lungs and body aren't ready. I want to cross-train. Maybe even run a marathon. For now, I call my passion walk-run. I brisk walk then run at intervals. If I were to take this much deeper, you would know that I've been running all my life. But now that I have an actual journal called Footprints, not online but an actual real live journal that says "No matter how smooth or rough this day, God is with us each step of the way." And I added, "Each step I take in this journey is towards you Lord Jesus. With a doodle of my favorite icon, a smiling baby with a single strand of hair. lol.
I recently met a cool Aussie who told me I'm funny. That surprised me because I thought that my sense of humor was in hiatus or something. Well happy to report life is wonderful. I'm living my dream, I just didn't realize it until this month actually. For the first time I'm actually unconcerned about stress and the other problems that we encounter on a daily basis.
Thank God for Jesus Christ. Thank You Father for reminding me of the real reason for the season. The reason why we celebrate Christmas. The Light of the world. The Living Word. Jesus Christ. I am forever grateful that I joined our local chapter of Our Mother of Perpetual Help. I may have been inattentive during prayer at times and I may have missed some days of novena but I am forever grateful to our Immaculate Mother for bringing me closer to Jesus. I will never forget the tears I shed when I was not allowed to join the Sacred Heart of Jesus in our church. But looking back I now realize that I was not ready! I simply wasn't! I was still commitment phobic. I just wanted to belong. But that's the wrong reason for joining a group, especially a religous group. And I learned that the hard way.
I wanted to serve. I was sure of that much. But my indecision at that time, my envy, my self-esteem issues became a block, a barricade even. I wanted to be closer to Jesus but my motives were childish. For Pete's sake, serving God and the Blessed Virgin Mary is an awesome responsibility. But it was also daunting. It still is. I realize now that I was pushing it. I wanted to serve through grand gestures, radical change, give mostly to streetkids and orphans.
Now I realize that the "rebel" in me is still pulling me to the dark side. But now that I know where I stand and that change start from within but can never be forced nor done the radical way, I have come to accept that I am not perfect. Mama Mary is still my ideal, I want to be humble, patient and pure just like her and Jesus, our Savior. But I also realize that God answers prayer in His time. For a while all I've been asking was for Him to melt my cold, hardened heart. And now that He has, the sun is shining again in my life.
I realize now that God has answered my prayers. True, we may still be poor but God has given me a steady source of living, a work that I actually enjoy and love. And He has reserved a spot for me in church -- right next to Our Mother of Perpetual Help -- where I help project the lyrics of the songs our church choir and members sing. It's a daunting responsibility but I cherish it so much. I've always valued being invisible, being in the background so you can imagine the embarrassment I feel sitting in front. But the best part is, if I just focus on my assignment, I forget about other people most of the time and focus on the reason why we go to mass -- to worship God and celebrate the sacrifice and victory of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
God has rekindled the fire within me. He gave me a new reason to love. He has give me a reason to get up each morning, singing His praises, to keep myself busy without worrying about what other people would say. I guess the best way to describe this is GRACE. God has given me Grace. And this gives me hope, it has filled me with faith, His love is burning within me. And when I actually stop fighting His Grace, I feel at peace.
I choose life, I choose to be happy, I wish for joy, love, peace, hope and faith this Christmas, for myself, my family, and all of you. And I hope that God will touch your lives this way too. Yes, I am a sinner. I am not perfect. But knowing that Jesus, Mary and Joseph are working in our families' lives, that gives me so much hope. My heart swells with love. I am filled with so much faith that mere words could not describe it. I guess it's true that faith drives away all fears. And hope drives away despair. And love eliminates all negative emotions. I am not yet as humble, patient and pure as Mama Mary, not even close! But this much I know. I am now wholly obedient to the Father's will. And no matter what happens, I will always be in love with my personal Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. You are awesome Lord God and I am constantly amazed at Your love for us. Thank You Jesus. Praise You Jesus. Amen.
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